I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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