Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.