so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so explain again why im purple
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
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Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"