i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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