I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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