love makes seman taste better
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
