i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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