My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
