Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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