The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
