Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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