I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
