I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
