Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
