last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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