her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
