I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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