so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
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I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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