i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Someone came in the potted fern
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
