i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
