I think my vagina is haunted
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
