i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
