Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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