I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How external is "for external use only"?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
