he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
