What did we do last night that was yellow?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
