how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
