You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
