fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We need to rekindle our bromance
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
