i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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