yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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