I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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