Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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