I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
