I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
