yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she told me i tasted like america
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
