Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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