Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
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I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.