You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow