I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
