I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She just used a chaser for red wine.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
