just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
