My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
zippers are such a cool invention
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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