Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
