Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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