just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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