It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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