'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
