Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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