im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
