I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
