nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The adults are the big ones right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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