Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
