hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
