I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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