i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
