My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
